Some Thoughts on Grieving

Grief is our normal, human response to changes and losses in our lives. Every time we move from something precious and wonderful into a new unknown in life, we experience grief. Nearly every change that comes in our lives brings a sense of grief. Death brings grief.

Grief is our sense of emptiness and our uncertainties about the future. Grief is our sense of being out of control and having to make sense of something so much bigger than we. Grief is our emotional response to emotional hurt.

The thing about grief is that it has to be worked through. Grief can't be stuffed and forgotten about. Grief can't be set aside and ignored. Grief must be worked through, fully completely, every time, or it will come back to haunt us.

You see, every time we have a new event in our lives that has the emotional response of grief, we are taken back through all the other grief events in our lives. And if, for whatever reason, we have not fully processed the grief an earlier event, or events, those griefs come back up. Not only do they come back up, the grief response is compounded. Unresolved grief compounds unresolved grief. This is the reason that someone may have what appears to be a quite exaggerated grief response to something that seems relatively minor -- or would have been relatively minor under other circumstances. This is the reason why one might be observed to have an wildly emotional response to a minor event. Sometimes, the emotional response might even be triggered by an event in the life of another person whose situation is similar to ours.

I know in my own life and ministry that I don't recoup from funerals as quickly as I once did. The grief work takes longer. It is sometimes deeper that what might seem reasonable. But it takes longer because each time I'm grieving not only the present situation but parts of all the other funerals I've ever officiated at, plus the other losses, changes and grief events I've ever experienced.

We must deal with our grief, or it keeps on nagging at us. We must clear our emotions and our bodies of the "toxic" stuff set off by grief (or personal hurts, emotional insults, deep rejections and the like, for that matter) or they will compound our emotional response to the next similar event in our lives.

So, "what can I do?", you might ask. Well, you can take a look at past events and ask if you've really processed them or grieved them. You can think about your last emotional response to an event that really had an effect on you. Was your response exaggerated given the nature of the event? If so, what other similar events, feelings and/or griefs come to mind? Were they fully processed? If not, can they be processed now, in light of this event/situation? Are there things one has to go back to, re-live, re-feel, re-grieve in order to move forward? If so, can you do that on your own or do you need help?

Here is a little illustration that helps get at what I'm talking about.

PUT THE GLASS DOWN!
The professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, "How much do you think this glass weighs?"
"50gms! .....100gms .....125gms," the students answered.
"I really don't know unless I weigh it," said the professor, " but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?"
"Nothing," the students said.
"Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?" the professor asked.
"Your arm would begin to ache," said one of the students.
"You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?"
"Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!" ventured another student and all the students laughed.
"Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?" asked the professor.
"No," was the answer.
"Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?"
The students were puzzled.
"What should I do now to come out of pain?" asked the professor again.
"Put the glass down!" said one of the students.
"Exactly!" said the professor.

This is the way it is with grief and many other life problems. Hold on to them for a while and they seem OK. Hold on to them for a long time and they begin to ache. Hold on even longer and they begin to paralyze you.

It is so important to work through the griefs, challenges and problems of life, or they will take over life, they will eat you up from the inside.

But when they are tackled, when they are resolved, then you have your full emotional being to handle any issue, any grief or any challenge that comes your way.

I want these comments to be helpful. Please let me know if we need to talk!